Fickle

It’s been an interesting week so far.  I say that because there have been days I love my program, days where I hated it (and while I didn’t contemplate quitting, I did consider pursuing a different career after finishing), days where I felt smart, days where I felt like a complete idiot, times when I wanted to work hard, and times when I wanted nothing other than to relax.

I suppose that’s pretty normal, but it’s somewhat draining.  And it doesn’t help that I’m not doing so well with the going to bed earlier, so the getting up earlier isn’t working so well either.

I’m making friends, which is awesome.  But I’m also spending way too much money on food, snacks, and drinks.  And that’s not so awesome.  I’ve packed a lunch every day, but it just doesn’t seem appetizing when lunch-time rolls around.  And then today I should’ve just gone home (as planned) for dinner.  Instead I asked Jay if he wanted to go for wings, and then we ended up going to Chili’s and I personally spent $50 on the meal (Jay ended up eating some leftovers while waiting for me, so he didn’t really eat anything at the restaurant).

I haven’t gone any clothing or shoe shopping sprees since Montreal though, so that has to count for something.

Lovestruck

 

That’s me.  :-)  I’m slowly admitting it to myself, and to Jason.  Big step for me.  But it feels great.  And that’s the most important thing.  No pressure whatsoever, just expressing what I feel.

Work is a work in progress essentially.  I love the library.  It’s a really great job, and the people are nice and the customers are nice.  But I haven’t been getting a lot of hours.  So I had to go and find another job.  I started last Friday at Pier 1 as a supervisor.  It’s been an experience so far.  The first day, I hated it.  My second shift I hated at first, but I started to enjoy myself a bit more towards the end.  And today’s shift was awesome.  Although today was spent opening boxes of stock in the backroom.  So I’m not really sure what that’s saying.  I guess I’ll have to wait and see how next week goes.

I also had the thought of going back to Claire’s as a third job.  My old manager mentioned that she’d have some hours for me if I wanted.  The only thing is, when I quit last time I swore I would never go back.  But money would be nice, and there isn’t exactly much of a learning curve, which is kind of reassuring.

I’ve noticed I’m not as confident anymore.  Not really sure why this happened, but I really doubt my ability to learn new things.  And it held me back from applying to a bunch of jobs when I was looking.

I miss blogging.  I keep saying I will do more, but I haven’t been doing very well.  Nothing exciting has been happening though.  Actually, that isn’t true.  It just seems to type itself (or come out of my mouth when I’m talking to people) a lot.  Not sure why that is either.

I’ve changed a lot this past year.  In so many different ways.  Last year at this time I was so stoked on going to U of C, and planning everything I was going to do for studying, and arranging supplies, etc.  And while I wouldn’t say I was man-hating, I definitely wasn’t planning on getting involved in any kind of relationship anytime soon.  My friend base has changed a bit.  My close friends are still there, but I’ve met a bunch of new people, and have drifted away from a lot as well.  I’m ok with that.  I think it’s for the best.

Looking back at my old blog (essentially from a year ago), it’s fairly obvious how much I have changed.  Even my writing style has changed a bit.  At least grammatically, to my eye. 

Oh wow, I just “reminded” myself about kakuro puzzles (aka cross sums).  I was addicted to them before.  They’re just awesome, and challenging.  Too bad I don’t have any to work on right now.   Or access to a printer.  That would be nice.  I found an on-line option.  So I’m off.  Ciao! :-)

Disappearing Zen?

I was happy.  But then I started to worry.  I don’t know why, but I did.  Now I’m trying to get off this mind-track.  Not easy though.  Everyone seems so distant though – they’ve got their own problems.  I hate feeling guilty for putting my problems on other people.  Especially when they’re recurring.  Somehow I need to find the strength to face my biggest fear.  Be honest.  Because that’s the only way this whole issue will disappear.  I shouldn’t be scared of my feelings.  They’re a part of me.  That doesn’t make it any easier though: I’m still terrified of losing him.  :-(