Under-appreciated

The title pretty much says it all.  Today was such a bad day (and by today, I’m referring to work, not after work).  I couldn’t seem to do anything right in anyone else’s eyes.  Extremely frustrating.

I’m thinking it might be time to move on.  Even though it was only a week ago or so that I decided to stay.  But nightmares and stress just don’t really seem a good trade-off.  Because they bring a lot of bad stuff with them.  And I don’t need crap in my life.

However, my parents are still super supportive (in their own ways).  And my bro and I are close despite never seeing each other.  Jess is essentially back in my life.  Jill has always been there.  Jason just gets more amazing with every day – and I’m not sure I tell him that.

My Sleep Schedule should be thrown out at this point.  It’s not happening, and probably never will at this point.  I’m just not committed enough.  Or something like that.

Camping this weekend!  Montreal next weekend!  Golden the weekend after!

14 days down…3 days to go.  Way too many days to work without a day off.  I should stop torturing myself in the future.  NO needs to get a higher usage rate in my vocabulary.

Unhappy?

My mom and I got into another fight yesterday.  Seems to be happening a lot more lately.  Unfortunately.  During this one though, she brought up that I seem to have “lost my spark” recently.  And I didn’t really know what to say back.

But I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  Not continuously, but on and off.  Personally, I wouldn’t say I’ve lost my spark.  But I’m definitely not happy with a lot of things in my life right now.

For example, I don’t enjoy going to work.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hate my job; but I definitely don’t like it.  It’s not challenging.  At all.  The learning curve was pretty much non-existent.  Then there’s the fact that I seriously miss interacting with people.  Sure I talk with my co-workers (and for the most part, they’re amazing people).  But it’s usually nothing related to my duties, so I have to keep it to a minimum.  I also hate the waves of work.  Because I go through periods of absolutely nothing to do.  And I’m still not sure what I’m “allowed” to do during these periods.  And then there’s these insane rushes, where there’s tons to do, and it all has to be finished ASAP.  I hate those periods.  I just get super stressed out, and end up making more mistakes than I normally would.  It’s really frustrating because it’s not my fault that the author’s didn’t budget their time properly.  But when someone’s breathing down your neck, it’s hard not to feel the pressure.

That’s something I’m learning, I really don’t work better under pressure.  I can do it, but I get my best work done when I have the time to do it properly.

I’m debating whether I should look for another job right now.  I probably should, because convenience should not take the place of my sanity and happiness.  Money is good, but it really shouldn’t be the most important thing in my life.  Ideally, I want something with more person-to-person interaction.  Maybe retail again (although not with Claire’s).  I guess I’ll just have to look and see what’s out there right now.

Snowboarding really feels like more of an obligation than anything else right now.  It’s hard to describe how I feel about it.  It’s not that I dislike it.  Because I still love it.  But it’s shifted from being a “sport” to being an “activity”.  I don’t have a problem with this (after all, people and their interests change with time).  But it’s hard to be excited about training two nights a week for something I don’t really want to train for anymore.  It’s probably really noticeable to everyone I train with as well.  I just don’t really want to be a quitter.  So it’s kind of a catch-22 situation.

I feel like I have no free time anymore either.  I’m doing work for my aunt in my spare time, snowboarding twice a week, and then spending the weekends with Jason.  My bedroom is turning back into a disaster zone, I never blog, do yoga, knit, read, or even watch TV anymore.  Anytime I do take some time, I always feel guilty and stressed out that I didn’t accomplish anything useful.  It’s incredibly frustrating.

I really need to figure out what my priorities are.  And then go about changing what needs to be changed so that they truly are.

Merry? I don’t think so

The day started off pretty well, but then again Christmas day usually does.  Opening presents was ok – nothing too special when there’s not really any excitement and everyone pretty much knows what they’re getting anyways.  Right after is when it started to go bad.  My mom’s sick (and I think she’s passing some of the bugs my way since my throat is sore), so she wants us to help with the work.  Not my ideal, but I can handle helping out with a bit.  So I figure I’ll finish watching a show on TV, and then help out.  But no, everything had to be done right away.

If she’d told me she wanted stuff done by a certain time, fine.  But she didn’t.  And for me, Christmas Day should be for relaxing and spending time with family.  Not doing random crap around the house.  And definitely not rushing around doing that crap.  So I go do some of the stuff she asks.  One of which is taking my clothes that are in the basement drying up to my room.  Then she comes up to my room where I’m putting all the clothes away and gets all sarcastic with me for “helping out”.

Now I am sitting up in my room, by myself, while my parents and brother visit with my grandparents.  And that is completely fine with me.  Because I am not in the mood to socialize now.  The only downside is that it is 3:00pm, I didn’t have breakfast, and I’m kind of hungry.  Guess I’m doing a bit of fasting today.

Jumping Without Looking…Again

It’s kind of funny how it works, just when you think you’ve been completely abandoned and yet you need a hand to hold more than ever, hands suddenly appear everywhere.  Well, maybe my situation isn’t (wasn’t?) quite that desperate, and the response wasn’t quite that miraculous, but that’s the gist of it.  I’m definitely thankful though.  Makes me feel a little bit better about what I’m thinking of doing.

 I decided to tell a friend about my “plan” that I muttered about in my last post.  And there was nothing but support.  So, I figure I may as well throw it out there.  Here goes:  I’m thinking, well, seriously thinking….maybe even almost 99% sure I’m going to, switch to SAIT next year and take Architectural Technologies.  Because I honestly hate university.  The school part of it at least.  I am not motivated or interested in my courses.  All I think about is how it has absolutely nothing to do with what I want to be doing.

 I think that’s my biggest problem with university.  Granted it’s only the first semester, but I can make my mind up quickly sometimes.  The focus is on learning, but not learning things that will be useful when you actually get a job.  With my current degree I’d have to slog through 2 years of complete bullshit courses before I could even start to do anything related to architecture.  And that kind of pisses me off.  Especially since that’s the “fast-track” way.

Besides, when talking with my parents, they brought up some very true points.  Granted, I’m still reluctant to admit to them.  Such as the fact that I put snowboarding before school this year.  Definitely refused to admit to that before (which is probably what pissed my mom off so much).  But it’s true, if I was really serious about architecture I would’ve gone out east to go to school.  That’s where the good programs are.  Not only did I decide to stay here, but I made up my entire class schedule (including choosing options) based on wanting to snowboard training at least 1 afternoon a week.  Perhaps I subconsciously knew that university wouldn’t be for me?  Who knows, it’s possible.

One of the things I brought up in our conversation was how I didn’t know what I was good at that I enjoyed anymore.  Actually, I’m pretty sure I said there wasn’t anything that I was good at.  And my dad brought up drafting right away.  It’s kind of weird how you forget about the little things sometimes.  Like how much I absolutely loved drafting back in high school.   I can actually remember the first time I did it in junior high, and I loved it even then.  So yeah, I guess there still are things that I’m good at that I enjoy.  They just don’t happen to be right in front of my nose.

And that’s kind of where the whole SAIT bit comes in.  Actually, I’d been thinking about transferring before, but not too seriously.  There was also a bit of pressure from certain people (who I won’t name because they’re really special to me, and they’re just voicing their opinions) to get a university degree and not waste myself on anything else.  Which I’m realizing isn’t right.  Because there’s no point in me getting a degree if I’m not going to be happy with where I end up.

So I’m going to go talk to some counsellors, at U of C and at SAIT, and just make sure I’m making the right decision.  And then (hopefully) I’ll apply.  And go from there.