I Need to Vent

Another crappy day overall.

Things have progressively been getting worse again.

My neck was getting better – then all of a sudden it spread down my shoulders into my mid-back, and my lower back got all tense and painful because it was trying to do all the work.

I haven’t been sleeping well.  And I’ve been having lots of weird dreams.  Slept through 3 alarms yesterday, and today I ended up skipping school just to try and catch up on sleep.

I’m feeling extremely unmotivated about school again.  Everyone else is getting excited about projects we’re getting – I am less than thrilled (which only leads me to believe this really isn’t the right career for me).  Plus I don’t feel like I’ve learned half of what I’m supposed to have by this point.  I feel like an idiot more often than not.  So that definitely doesn’t help.  And that only makes me feel even more frustrated.

On the bright side, I’m enjoying doing yoga again.  Even though I have to hold off on backbends with my injuries (which happen to be my favourite poses).  And I notice I doze off really quickly (and start having more messed up “dreams) in savasana instead of staying focused on my breath.  Plus my breathing feels blocked, so I never really am able to breath deeply.

Today I really feel like my recent positive attitude hasn’t been much more than a cover-up for how unhappy I still truly am.  It’s frustrating, because I don’t want to feel this way.  But sometimes the support that people offer just makes me feel worse about myself, or there isn’t any support from the people I really want it from.

I definitely feel a lot of pressure to just finish school – that I give up too easily, and that I’m not supposed to enjoy it.  There’s also the pressure to get a degree/diploma, just for the sake of having it, even if I never use it.  And then there’s the pressure to not pursue carpentry because I’ll never make enough money.

I really feel like I’m being pulled in all these different directions (none of which I don’t really want to go in) simply because I want to make people around me happy.

Jumping Without Looking…Again

It’s kind of funny how it works, just when you think you’ve been completely abandoned and yet you need a hand to hold more than ever, hands suddenly appear everywhere.  Well, maybe my situation isn’t (wasn’t?) quite that desperate, and the response wasn’t quite that miraculous, but that’s the gist of it.  I’m definitely thankful though.  Makes me feel a little bit better about what I’m thinking of doing.

 I decided to tell a friend about my “plan” that I muttered about in my last post.  And there was nothing but support.  So, I figure I may as well throw it out there.  Here goes:  I’m thinking, well, seriously thinking….maybe even almost 99% sure I’m going to, switch to SAIT next year and take Architectural Technologies.  Because I honestly hate university.  The school part of it at least.  I am not motivated or interested in my courses.  All I think about is how it has absolutely nothing to do with what I want to be doing.

 I think that’s my biggest problem with university.  Granted it’s only the first semester, but I can make my mind up quickly sometimes.  The focus is on learning, but not learning things that will be useful when you actually get a job.  With my current degree I’d have to slog through 2 years of complete bullshit courses before I could even start to do anything related to architecture.  And that kind of pisses me off.  Especially since that’s the “fast-track” way.

Besides, when talking with my parents, they brought up some very true points.  Granted, I’m still reluctant to admit to them.  Such as the fact that I put snowboarding before school this year.  Definitely refused to admit to that before (which is probably what pissed my mom off so much).  But it’s true, if I was really serious about architecture I would’ve gone out east to go to school.  That’s where the good programs are.  Not only did I decide to stay here, but I made up my entire class schedule (including choosing options) based on wanting to snowboard training at least 1 afternoon a week.  Perhaps I subconsciously knew that university wouldn’t be for me?  Who knows, it’s possible.

One of the things I brought up in our conversation was how I didn’t know what I was good at that I enjoyed anymore.  Actually, I’m pretty sure I said there wasn’t anything that I was good at.  And my dad brought up drafting right away.  It’s kind of weird how you forget about the little things sometimes.  Like how much I absolutely loved drafting back in high school.   I can actually remember the first time I did it in junior high, and I loved it even then.  So yeah, I guess there still are things that I’m good at that I enjoy.  They just don’t happen to be right in front of my nose.

And that’s kind of where the whole SAIT bit comes in.  Actually, I’d been thinking about transferring before, but not too seriously.  There was also a bit of pressure from certain people (who I won’t name because they’re really special to me, and they’re just voicing their opinions) to get a university degree and not waste myself on anything else.  Which I’m realizing isn’t right.  Because there’s no point in me getting a degree if I’m not going to be happy with where I end up.

So I’m going to go talk to some counsellors, at U of C and at SAIT, and just make sure I’m making the right decision.  And then (hopefully) I’ll apply.  And go from there.