Disappearing Zen?

I was happy.  But then I started to worry.  I don’t know why, but I did.  Now I’m trying to get off this mind-track.  Not easy though.  Everyone seems so distant though – they’ve got their own problems.  I hate feeling guilty for putting my problems on other people.  Especially when they’re recurring.  Somehow I need to find the strength to face my biggest fear.  Be honest.  Because that’s the only way this whole issue will disappear.  I shouldn’t be scared of my feelings.  They’re a part of me.  That doesn’t make it any easier though: I’m still terrified of losing him.  :-(

A New Chapter Begins

Today was my last day with EBA.  Finally!!!  I really hate blaming someone/something other than myself for being unhappy, but that job was seriously dragging me down.  Now I can begin making the changes that I need to be 100% happy again.

Jason left for Peru this morning.  Call me weird, or pathetic, or whatever, but I really, really, really miss him.  Even though I saw him last night.  Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this.  It’s not like I’ve completely stopped functioning or anything.  Actually, the timing is probably really great because I have this week to start making changes.  And when he is around, I tend to spend as much time as possible with him.  This way, that’s not an option.  :-)  And that’s probably a large dose of me being optimistic about the situation.

Unfortunately, I’ve already “bogged” myself down a bit this week.  Doing some work for my aunt.  Not that the money won’t be nice, but I’ve got a bunch of stuff I would like to do, and if I keep offering to work, I’m not going to have enough time.  And that will just lead me back to the same problem I was having with my old job.  But the first step to resolving a problem is recognizing and admitting it.  Which means, I need to make more time for myself and doing those things on my to do list that keep getting pushed back.

But despite this, I’m making a big step towards being happy this week.  I’ve got plans for 2 yoga classes, a workout, and 2 days of snowboarding (in Whistler!) this week.  Physical activity (of any kind) was one of my favourite things as far back as I can remember. But lately it’s fallen into the non-essential category, and therefore, I haven’t exactly done a whole lot.  So this is my first big change.

Actually, my daily yoga journal inspiration said it perfectly (although the article was talking directly about meditation, this applies to pretty much everything for me right now):

“…do not make a rigid structure and then chastise yourself when you don’t comply with it…Missed a day? You’ll begin again the next day. Where are you going anyway but right where you are? But that doesn’t mean structure isn’t important. It’s easier to return to something solid…Structure helps support your urge to do it.”

I’m realizing that what has worked for me in the past, isn’t necessarily going to work for me now.  And that’s ok.  I just need to accept it, move on, and come up with something new.  Something that will work for who I am now.