A New Chapter Begins

Today was my last day with EBA.  Finally!!!  I really hate blaming someone/something other than myself for being unhappy, but that job was seriously dragging me down.  Now I can begin making the changes that I need to be 100% happy again.

Jason left for Peru this morning.  Call me weird, or pathetic, or whatever, but I really, really, really miss him.  Even though I saw him last night.  Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this.  It’s not like I’ve completely stopped functioning or anything.  Actually, the timing is probably really great because I have this week to start making changes.  And when he is around, I tend to spend as much time as possible with him.  This way, that’s not an option.  :-)  And that’s probably a large dose of me being optimistic about the situation.

Unfortunately, I’ve already “bogged” myself down a bit this week.  Doing some work for my aunt.  Not that the money won’t be nice, but I’ve got a bunch of stuff I would like to do, and if I keep offering to work, I’m not going to have enough time.  And that will just lead me back to the same problem I was having with my old job.  But the first step to resolving a problem is recognizing and admitting it.  Which means, I need to make more time for myself and doing those things on my to do list that keep getting pushed back.

But despite this, I’m making a big step towards being happy this week.  I’ve got plans for 2 yoga classes, a workout, and 2 days of snowboarding (in Whistler!) this week.  Physical activity (of any kind) was one of my favourite things as far back as I can remember. But lately it’s fallen into the non-essential category, and therefore, I haven’t exactly done a whole lot.  So this is my first big change.

Actually, my daily yoga journal inspiration said it perfectly (although the article was talking directly about meditation, this applies to pretty much everything for me right now):

“…do not make a rigid structure and then chastise yourself when you don’t comply with it…Missed a day? You’ll begin again the next day. Where are you going anyway but right where you are? But that doesn’t mean structure isn’t important. It’s easier to return to something solid…Structure helps support your urge to do it.”

I’m realizing that what has worked for me in the past, isn’t necessarily going to work for me now.  And that’s ok.  I just need to accept it, move on, and come up with something new.  Something that will work for who I am now.

The Ball is Finally Rolling

I’ve definitely made some changes since my last post.  A lot can happen in a week when you put your mind to it.  Well, it actually isn’t a whole lot, but the effect these changes have made is pretty big.

Without going into a whole lot of detail, partly because I want this to be a quick post, and partly because I don’t really feel like thinking a whole lot about it, here’s what I did:

• told Karine (my snowboard coach) that I’m just sick of riding, and that I don’t want to come Wednesday nights for the rest of the season;
• because of this I also told Maddy I could only drive her to/from Riders on Monday nights;
• called my aunt and said that I’m just not as focused on her work anymore, and I’m not getting tons done, and that I really don’t want to keep doing more;
• started looking for a new job;
• applied at the library (again), and actually set up an interview;
• called the temp agency to say I wanted to leave my job, and they ended up telling my supervisor for me (although she still wanted to talk about my reasons for leaving, which is totally understandable);
• created and printed off a checklist for March;
• actually made plans to go out one night with some friends; and
• Jason and I even went for a run.

All of that in a week.  Wow, I was busy.  But I feel a lot better about the direction I’m headed now (which isn’t exactly anywhere specific, but at least it’s more of an open field than a dead-end).

Hopefully this week I can fit in at least a couple yoga classes.  I’m thinking of going to a Prana class at Bodhi Tree on Thursday, and then a class at Calgary Hot Yoga with Jason on Friday.  Ideally I’d like to do a class at Bodhi Tree on Saturday or Sunday, but we’ll see what happens.  Maybe I’ll be able to motivate myself to go for a run again at some point.

Difficulty is 100% subjective.

Unhappy?

My mom and I got into another fight yesterday.  Seems to be happening a lot more lately.  Unfortunately.  During this one though, she brought up that I seem to have “lost my spark” recently.  And I didn’t really know what to say back.

But I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  Not continuously, but on and off.  Personally, I wouldn’t say I’ve lost my spark.  But I’m definitely not happy with a lot of things in my life right now.

For example, I don’t enjoy going to work.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hate my job; but I definitely don’t like it.  It’s not challenging.  At all.  The learning curve was pretty much non-existent.  Then there’s the fact that I seriously miss interacting with people.  Sure I talk with my co-workers (and for the most part, they’re amazing people).  But it’s usually nothing related to my duties, so I have to keep it to a minimum.  I also hate the waves of work.  Because I go through periods of absolutely nothing to do.  And I’m still not sure what I’m “allowed” to do during these periods.  And then there’s these insane rushes, where there’s tons to do, and it all has to be finished ASAP.  I hate those periods.  I just get super stressed out, and end up making more mistakes than I normally would.  It’s really frustrating because it’s not my fault that the author’s didn’t budget their time properly.  But when someone’s breathing down your neck, it’s hard not to feel the pressure.

That’s something I’m learning, I really don’t work better under pressure.  I can do it, but I get my best work done when I have the time to do it properly.

I’m debating whether I should look for another job right now.  I probably should, because convenience should not take the place of my sanity and happiness.  Money is good, but it really shouldn’t be the most important thing in my life.  Ideally, I want something with more person-to-person interaction.  Maybe retail again (although not with Claire’s).  I guess I’ll just have to look and see what’s out there right now.

Snowboarding really feels like more of an obligation than anything else right now.  It’s hard to describe how I feel about it.  It’s not that I dislike it.  Because I still love it.  But it’s shifted from being a “sport” to being an “activity”.  I don’t have a problem with this (after all, people and their interests change with time).  But it’s hard to be excited about training two nights a week for something I don’t really want to train for anymore.  It’s probably really noticeable to everyone I train with as well.  I just don’t really want to be a quitter.  So it’s kind of a catch-22 situation.

I feel like I have no free time anymore either.  I’m doing work for my aunt in my spare time, snowboarding twice a week, and then spending the weekends with Jason.  My bedroom is turning back into a disaster zone, I never blog, do yoga, knit, read, or even watch TV anymore.  Anytime I do take some time, I always feel guilty and stressed out that I didn’t accomplish anything useful.  It’s incredibly frustrating.

I really need to figure out what my priorities are.  And then go about changing what needs to be changed so that they truly are.

Off to a Good Start

It’s day 6 of the new year, and I feel like I’m doing pretty well in regards to my resolutions.  Actually, I’m feeling pretty good about the amount of things I’ve managed to accomplish so far.  Getting off to a good start is always a nice bonus, and helps keep me motivated.

I’ve yet to write my “official” budget post, but I think it’s going to be Get Organized January.  So far I’ve organized my receipts, and got the supplies to start a new filing system (which technically doesn’t involve filing, per se).    I’m also coming up with ideas of what I need to save for, and how I want my budget to work.  Perhaps I should be looking for a slightly irregular approach, as that seems to be when I succeed best at other things.

As for my speeding,  I’m doing really well at not doing it.  :-)  Not much else to be said.

That leads to the fact that I got my brother to wash Putt-Putt for me today.   I was going to go to a drive-through car wash, but the line was too long, and then it was closed.  So we went to a do-it-yourself one.  And I asked, and he did.  No complaints from me, especially since he can do it faster than I can with the same results.  Not quite sure why, but I’ll take it.

I’ve yet to decide whether Putt-Putt is a guy or girl though.  To me, cars are girls.  But the name doesn’t make me think so.  Maybe Putt-Putt is an “it”?  My next car is going to be a girl though.

As for the self-improvement portion,  I printed off my January goals check-list (and updated it).  I’m not scoring 100% or anything, but I’m doing way better now than I was back in October when I started the check-list.  And I know what I need to work on, which is half the battle.

I also started my move out list today.  Nothing too detailed, but the plan was basically to start the file.   So I’ve got different categories, like: kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, miscellaneous, etc.  The plan is to basically go through my (parent’s) house from top to bottom and write down everything I think I will need for myself.  And then check off what I have already.  I’ve got a lot of the big things, but I know there’s going to be tons of little random things (like a can opener, tape measure, screwdriver, measuring spoons, silverware organizer…).

So I can honestly say that I’m not as big of a candy fan as I used to be.  I bought $12 worth the other day, and it’s been 3 nights, and I’ve still got stuff left.  That would’ve been gone within 2 hours back in the day.  Definitely a good thing.  I’m eating more healthy foods now too.  Still no where near what I should be, but a little improvement is better than nothing.  And I do need to acquire a taste for a lot of things.

Without really realizing it, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about snowboarding, and just how important it really is to me.   And honestly, it’s nowhere near important as it was last year.  I’m not even sure how many competitions I’m going to do.  It’s just not a priority anymore.  I still love it (don’t get me wrong on that).  But there are other things I want to do in my spare time now.  I don’t think I’m really saddened by this development, although I am a little bit surprised.  This means I probably won’t be planning on buying any new gear this season, and that ultimately affects how I budget.

I’ve been attempting to clean up my bedroom a little bit every day now.   In some way, shape or form.  Like today I went through a bunch of my clothing, and got rid of tons!  And I’m moving things off my desk to their proper place.  Still lots to do, but I feel way better about it already.  I’ve collected a lot of junk over the years, but I’m getting more critical about what I keep.  I’d like to think that this attitude will stick with me when I go shopping for new things now.  But only time will tell with that…

Katherine and I went to yoga for the first time in 2008 on Saturday morning.  The 8am class too.  It was really fun – the instructor left a lot of time for playing around with handstand and shoulderstand.  I’m looking forward to going to more of his classes because he’s really helpful and encouraging.  I think that a combination of fun, playful classes and structured classes will be really great.  But I need to make sure I set some money aside for my studio passes.

I bought this gorgeous blue scarf the other day.  And it’s so soft.  But it sheds like fricking crazy!!!  Whenever I wear it, I end up covered in fuzz.  And I mean covered.  Today I tried to put it in the dryer with some tennis balls.  The tennis balls (and lint thingy) came out covered, as I expected, but the scarf is still shedding.  I’ve got no clue how to make it stop.  So if anyone has ANY ideas, please pass them my way.  Because I really love this scarf.

Slightly Addicted…and Not Going to Stop

I blame Jason.  And I’ve told him that.  :-)  For some odd reason, he is proud of the fact.  :-s

 Anyways, I’m officially addicted to Guitar Hero III.  There’s no other explanation for playing 5 songs total (over 2 days too!) and deciding I want to go out and buy the game, and guitar, for myself.  I don’t play video games!  I have 2 other video games to my name: a volleyball one I got for Christmas years ago (and never played more than a few times), and The Urbz.  It gets worse:  I bought the game, and went home and played it instead of doing my computer assignment.  Granted, if I hadn’t done any work on the assignment over the past two weeks, it was highly unlikely I’d so anything last minute.  But still.  And after that, I was tempted to skip my very first night of Riders on Board (and subsequently, my first time snowboarding this season) to keep playing.  Thankfully, smartness prevailed.

 However, I did come home for snowboarding, and picked up that guitar again.  Which is why I’m writing a blog at 3 in the morning.  Guitar Hero kept me occupied till 2:30am.  The only reason I stopped is because I “beat” the easy level.  That’s 42 songs worth.  And that doesn’t include the ones I redid for various reasons.  *sigh*  I am impressed with myself and how quickly I’ve improved though.  My first few scores were three stars and like 15,000 points or something.  By the end I was getting 5 stars and 50,000+ points on a good chunk of the songs.

 Snowboarding tonight was a lot of fun.  I actually forgot just how much I love it.  It was bloody freezing out though.  That definitely sucked.  But it came back quickly (as expected)…and by the end of the night I was pulling Front 3’s again.  I had way too much trouble with the kink rail though – my first attempt resulted in me getting raped by the rail (and there is a visible bruise on my butt to prove it), and then slamming onto my upper legs (where my cell phone happened to be), which resulted in a charlie horse.  Lovely start to the season.  Also, either my goggles or my bandanas decided to bleed colour – so I have this black like going under my eyes and across my nose – and it doesn’t want to wash off!

 Oh, and I found out that I managed to scare one of my friends with my driving.  I’m not really surprised, but I am a little bit hurt that she wasn’t able to tell me to my face.  I realize I’m an aggressive driver, so I try to tell everyone who’s a passenger with me that if they feel uncomfortable with my driving, to let me know.  I want people to feel safe driving with me.  But obviously she didn’t feel comfortable telling me at the time.  Or now either, seeing as she told another friend that she would never drive with me ever again.  Oh well, I just need to deal with it and move on.

As for other news, I was accepted into SAIT in the Architectural Technologies program.  I’m really, really excited.  :-)  This now gives me something else to look forward to.  On the downside, I’m even less motivated to do my university homework (and attend classes).  At least there’s only 2 weeks left.  But that means I should probably be studying for finals!

 I really need to get some sleep though…so good night!!!

Jumping Without Looking…Again

It’s kind of funny how it works, just when you think you’ve been completely abandoned and yet you need a hand to hold more than ever, hands suddenly appear everywhere.  Well, maybe my situation isn’t (wasn’t?) quite that desperate, and the response wasn’t quite that miraculous, but that’s the gist of it.  I’m definitely thankful though.  Makes me feel a little bit better about what I’m thinking of doing.

 I decided to tell a friend about my “plan” that I muttered about in my last post.  And there was nothing but support.  So, I figure I may as well throw it out there.  Here goes:  I’m thinking, well, seriously thinking….maybe even almost 99% sure I’m going to, switch to SAIT next year and take Architectural Technologies.  Because I honestly hate university.  The school part of it at least.  I am not motivated or interested in my courses.  All I think about is how it has absolutely nothing to do with what I want to be doing.

 I think that’s my biggest problem with university.  Granted it’s only the first semester, but I can make my mind up quickly sometimes.  The focus is on learning, but not learning things that will be useful when you actually get a job.  With my current degree I’d have to slog through 2 years of complete bullshit courses before I could even start to do anything related to architecture.  And that kind of pisses me off.  Especially since that’s the “fast-track” way.

Besides, when talking with my parents, they brought up some very true points.  Granted, I’m still reluctant to admit to them.  Such as the fact that I put snowboarding before school this year.  Definitely refused to admit to that before (which is probably what pissed my mom off so much).  But it’s true, if I was really serious about architecture I would’ve gone out east to go to school.  That’s where the good programs are.  Not only did I decide to stay here, but I made up my entire class schedule (including choosing options) based on wanting to snowboard training at least 1 afternoon a week.  Perhaps I subconsciously knew that university wouldn’t be for me?  Who knows, it’s possible.

One of the things I brought up in our conversation was how I didn’t know what I was good at that I enjoyed anymore.  Actually, I’m pretty sure I said there wasn’t anything that I was good at.  And my dad brought up drafting right away.  It’s kind of weird how you forget about the little things sometimes.  Like how much I absolutely loved drafting back in high school.   I can actually remember the first time I did it in junior high, and I loved it even then.  So yeah, I guess there still are things that I’m good at that I enjoy.  They just don’t happen to be right in front of my nose.

And that’s kind of where the whole SAIT bit comes in.  Actually, I’d been thinking about transferring before, but not too seriously.  There was also a bit of pressure from certain people (who I won’t name because they’re really special to me, and they’re just voicing their opinions) to get a university degree and not waste myself on anything else.  Which I’m realizing isn’t right.  Because there’s no point in me getting a degree if I’m not going to be happy with where I end up.

So I’m going to go talk to some counsellors, at U of C and at SAIT, and just make sure I’m making the right decision.  And then (hopefully) I’ll apply.  And go from there.

#*%@

#*%@

So I’m pretty sure I just made one of the stupidest decisions of my life.  And honestly, I just don’t care.  Oh, I probably will later, but not right now.  Anyways, this “stupid decision” was not doing ANY work for my computer science assignment.  So I handed nothing in.  And it gets worse – it’s worth 9% of my mark.

 I’m just completely unmotivated right now.  I found out what GPA I should be aiming for to get into architecture at U of C (3.6), and rather than making me want to buckle down and work, I’m just feeling completely overwhelmed and like I don’t have a shot in hell.  Which of course is making me question if I want to be an architect bad enough.  I’m struggling big time just to make it through my first semester of university (and with only 4 courses!).  How am I supposed to last for 6-8 years?!

I don’t know what I’d do otherwise though.  Like I’m enjoying Art History and Computer Science, but I just don’t want to make the effort to do well.  And that doesn’t exactly gain me anything.

On to the bright side of things though, snowboard season is starting at the end of this week!  I’ve been waiting 7 months for this!  It’s going to be absolutely amazing to get out again.  But I haven’t made a whole bunch of goals for the season yet.  Hmm….may as well right now.  ;-)

 Okay, here goes:
- Front 3 the big booters
- Front/Back 5
- learn how to do those sweet butters
- start doing rails switch again!
- 270 on to rails
- Front/Back 5 in pipe
- learn how to do a proper handplant (no more somersault crap!)

 Looks like I’m going to be busy.  :-p  I can’t wait to get started!